Thank you, RustyChicken

seriously, a big thanks. i’ve come back to The Onion, thanks to your comments yesterday. and i really, seriously, cannot be more pleased.  a few gems:

Seagull With Diarrhea Barely Makes It To Crowded Beach In Time

Middle-Aged Banana Panics Upon Finding First Brown Spot

'The State Of The Union Is Strong,' Says Man Responsible For Shielding Nation From Truth

which came first, the statement or the check?

stupid vendor: “Before we can begin pulling the statements, we would need to receive the check first.”

Me: “Okay, how much will the total be?  We’ll send a check right away.”

stupid vendor: “Unfortunately I won’t know until I start pulling the statements.”

 

RustyChicken’s Fiscal Cliff Rant

More like his rant on Congress…

i’m mad about this stupid fiscal cliff

i think we need to boot all congress & sentate
and put in a 1 year mercenary squad
to ruthlessly cut budgets and find new revenue streams
mercenaries appointed from c-level jobs at fortune 500 companies
clean things up, set the plan, hand over to new batch of fresh faced congress/senate
who will not be able to be reelected no matter what
people have one term
go in, do your job
you’re out”
 
it’s kinda embarressing we elected all these people…

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

My place of work is having a toilet RECALL. Yes, folks, a toilet recall. We have been cautioned that use of flush function may cause toilets to explode. 413 toilets have exploded across the US thus far, 47 of which have resulted in lacerations from toilet bowl shrapnel. We can’t make this stuff up kids. Stay vigilant. Flush at your own risk.

Truth

Truth

(Source: nonstoplulz, via thats-so-meme)

videohall:

So you think you can fart?

Disgustingly awesome

(via theanimalblog)

officially the cool kid

today i received my FIRST laptop.  and it’s also my first MAC.  compliments of @rustychicken.  but, um, i can’t figure out all this double click two finger swipe triple swipel click spin punch wink wink cough swipidty swipe…  i feel like the scene in a league of their own when both coaches are giving the batter signals… well, i guess it will be a journey to becoming the cool kid…  but seriously, thanks @rustychicken.  at least i feel cool now :)

495 Hotlanes?!?

Dear Bureaucrats, I’d like to call to your attention that although you have claimed that bringing the metro to Tyson’s, expanding 495 and creating Hotlanes would ALLEVIATE traffic, you have infancy only created more traffic. In fact, being a life long resident of this area, I don’t ever even remember it being this bad ever… Until you started to ‘fix’ it. So thank you, for always being so good (bad) at everything you always are fixing (breaking) Kindly, your constituent.

Housewife

You might be a housewife if you’ve searched everywhere for your cell phone and find it at the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper… !!?!

that awkward moment where you continue to use the wrong name while addressing a client, even though they’ve repeatedly told you their name.  ;)

Compliments of Ellen.  This is literally so fantastic.  I’m crying laughing.

theanimalblog:

Submitted by lookcloseyoucanseehisdisguise

Toucan!!!!
implodesoncontact:

lickystickypickywe:

Constipation assured.

wow

@rustychicken, Goldblum.  He’s everywhere you want to be.

implodesoncontact:

lickystickypickywe:

Constipation assured.

wow

@rustychicken, Goldblum. He’s everywhere you want to be.

(Source: lickystickypickyshe)

Tupperware and Waterford.

Tupperware and Waterford.

This happened today…

This happened today…